calvin aka p.phresh

This morning i looked at my phone to see if i missed any phone calls or messages from her.  I received a few text messages, but nothing from her.  I’m coming to the harsh realization that nothing will be coming at all now.  I am completely heart broken by this.  On my way to work i checked Facebook only to see that she had logged in and changed her personal status, not her relationship status, that was changed a month ago and we did away with them (probably an indication of things to come as well… i should’ve known).  Her personal status had changed, but nothing in it mentioned pain or distress.  Her status remained happy and delightful about future plans.

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So the time is now 11pm and there has been no response whatsoever. I dunno if there will ever be a response any time soon. So it’s over now? Just like that. I was in bliss one day and in heartache the next. No indication, no warning. Here today gone tomorrow.

I guess the show is truly over.

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Well I sent a text message over before lunch today. And at this point in time, about 5:40 I still haven’t had a response from her.

My message read:
“hi how are you? Thought I’d contact you to see how you are doing. Are you surprised to hear from me? Do you even want to hear from me?”

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Tomorrow marks one week since the break up. I haven’t spoken to her or contacted her at all yet. I dunno if I should either. I really want to though and I think I should. But is it the right thing to do?

I don’t think there is a right or wrong in this sort of situation. I either do it or don’t. And to be honest, I probably will.

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Today the company is spending an afternoon at the golf course.

This is the time I spend playing golf once a year. It’s nice. I can still manage to make good contact. But distance and accuracy just isn’t there yet. Maybe I should try going more than once a year.

Well at any rate it’s good to be out of the office. Any day outside the office is a good day.

Last night i decided to get off my ass and go to the gym.  Something i should’ve done months ago.

It was good, i tried to jog a whole mile non-stop, but ended up breaking it up with walking in between, but i only counted the laps i jogged, and i still managed to sprint a quarter lap in the end, which nearly killed me.  After nearly collapsing while catching my breath i carried on with the free weights.

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came across this today…. well i’m not quite a thousand miles, i’m sure people must feel this way.

source: http://xkcd.com/334/

Now that i’m back at work, i’m trying to keep my mind occupied.  As long as my mind is not dormant i am able to not think about losing one of the people i love most.  Dammit, it still hurts.

I miss her lots still, and i still wonder what she is thinking now.  She must think i don’t care at all since i haven’t talked to her since last thursday.  She probably believes that i really didn’t care that much about her.  But in reality, i do care, i do want to call her, i do want her to know that i think about her all the time.

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I used to have a friend that would make jokes about people, actually himself, about feeling depressed and “curing” depression by going drinking. I always thought it was funny, because when people are depressed they often drink… who knows why… they just do. I just tried to.

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so it happened 2 days ago and i don’t know what to do with myself now.  Normally i’d be gearing up to pick up my girlfriend, but i’m not.  And i have to admit it, it’s weird.

I want to call but i don’t.  I am told by others not to call.
“She wants her space, so give her ‘her space’.”

It’s the worst when you’re alone by yourself.  I think about her all the time when i’m alone.  I have nothing else to think about.  I want to keep myself busy but at the same time i just want to sit around and mope.  Tonight i will go out though.  Guy’s night out… perhaps a bad idea but nevertheless, it will keep me busy.

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