So i know it’s been odd, but i’ve decided that i’m finally going to begin my blog.

People will ask why now?  You haven’t done it this long, so why start?

I’ve decided to begin this momentous occasion immediately following my painful break up with my girlfriend.  Yes, i know, how cliche.  But i might as well use the emptiness to drive my ambitions, and start blogging.  Besides i understand that it’s therapeutic.  And really, i don’t think anyone is reading this, so why not start it.

How it happened:
I was on my way home from dinner with friends when i called my girlfriend.  She told me she was at home.  I thought, “that’s odd you’re supposed to be out tonight.”

I asked, “how come you’re home?”
“I haven’t been sleeping well.  I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night and i can’t fall back asleep.”
“Oh, really that’s weird, how come?  Are you stressed out?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong then?” I inquired.
“Well maybe i shouldn’t tell you over the phone, i’ll wait till you get home.”
I’m shocked to hear, i know something is very wrong at this point, and i had to ask, “Is it about us?”
“Yes, i think we should stop seeing each other.”

I couldn’t believe what i was hearing, without warning, without a stutter, my beating heart came to a stop, my eyes stared off into bewilderment.  As I was driving home, i knew to brake, stop, switch gears, but i have no recollection of how i actually came to my destination.  I completely zoned out and eventually ended up at my destination.

As I drove, i continued the conversation, probing as to why?  how?  when?  I don’t understand.  She tells me she can’t explain it, and she still loves me, and still cares.

“It’s not the same anymore, but I do still love you and I do still care about you.” she tries to explain it to me.
“I don’t feel the same way i did when we first met.  When i’m out i don’t miss you, when i don’t talk to you i don’t miss it.”
I scramble for words, “Well, our love has evovled, but i understand.”  At least I think I do.

I try a metaphor, “I guess i’m like the old blanket, comfortable to have me around and feels nice when draped around on a cold day, but you don’t really need it, it’s just there.”  I’m terrible at metaphors.

She agrees, “Yes, is that how you feel?”

“no.”

I have to say, at that moment i probably would have burst out in tears, but i don’t.  I don’t know why but i don’t cry.  I may seem like a rock on the outside, but i am torn on the inside.  I feel empty.

Of course i ask if there’s anything we can do, what have i done wrong and she assures me, “i don’t think there’s anything we can do, and it’s not your fault, stop blaming yourself.”

I want be together with her, she knows this, and i tell her “I don’t have all the answers and don’t know how to fix things right now, but we can figure it out together and we can make things work out.”

“No, i dont’ think it’s going to right now.”
“What do you think we should do?”
“I think we should stop going out.”

This is where i decide that if waiting for her is all i have to go with then i guess it’s all i can do.
“Okay then, i’ll wait for you, when ever you need to talk, i’ll be there.  If you ever need anything i’ll be there.  Whenever you’re ready, i’ll be waiting.”

And that was it.  Our conversation lasted an hour and that was it.  I did nothing wrong, she did nothing wrong, and the previous monday we celebrated our 3 year anniversary, and then 4 days later, we broke up.  No warning, no indications.  Here now and gone tomorrow.

I feel sad now.  Empty.  The earth never seemed so quiet.